Music: "The Ocean" by Paul Van Dyk
9:30p
I'm going to start off with a rant. Ready and go:
So I came across someone's photo on Facebook they had 'shared'. It read, "The definition of beautiful is not defined by using the word 'skinny'". Really. And I've been seeing these photos (each one worded a little different) floating around lately. "A real man loves curves!" This stuff pisses me off, and makes me a little sad. Why? Let me remind you that I am skinny, all 95 pounds of me. I am tiny. And who says that all men in existence, who ever have, or ever will live, have to have someone who is 'thick', or 'curvy'? It makes me SICK to see this kind of stuff floating around. Who says a man doesn't want a woman with a little less curve? My ex-boyfriend was just as skinny as I was (with a little more muscle), and it didn't bother the other not one bit. Society says we have to look a certain way (talking about women), and even then, it's STILL not perfect. So what's 'perfect'? I'll answer that for you: there is NO SUCH THING as PERFECT. We all come in different shapes, sizes, and heights...I am nowhere near beautiful, I don't have a pretty smile or even a straight walk. But I'm here, and I am still learning to accept myself for who I am. But society puts so much God damn pressure on us....it's sickening. My point is, why can't there be something about us, too? About people like me. Girls/women face the most pressure, and I'm sure guys aren't left out, either. I believe society puts so much focus on women, that guys kinda get shoved aside. But I know it's there. My ex went through it, and had a hard time accepting himself. I just wish that people could love others for what is on the inside, not outside. Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Accept people for who they are! If you can't deal with that, if you are incapable of doing that, something is VERY seriously wrong with you, and you need your head examined. Fuck all of you that have nothing else better to do than bring others down, when YOU have flaws of your own. My point is, a woman doesn't have to be 'curvy' or 'thick' for a guy to like her. So get the fuck over it!!
Well, I was going to make this longer and talk about the weekend, but I said what I needed to. Hopefully one day, I'll stop seeing that bullshit on Facebook, and start seeing more positive things. Fuck society!
I'm fucking going to bed.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Accomplishment is a good feeling.
Music: the news
6:04p
What a week it's been so far. When I left my last post, I was approaching my very first weekend doing my new job. First weekend went well; I spent Friday morning getting some more practice in on the machine, and decided I was ready for the test. I passed, and got my operator's license. I am official! The rest of the weekend was spent learning my way around the warehouse, and training for the actual job. I had a pretty good trainer, and she was always close by if I had a question or needed help. Once I figure out how to keep up my production, I think I'm really going to like it. Our busy season is fixing to gear up..and things are about to get real interesting. I've never been through it yet..this will be my first one, and I have no idea what to expect.
My free time is about to go out the window. I love my free time! But making extra money is too good to pass up. :) I've seen the proof for myself; it really does pay off!
Now to experience it first hand.
I left work on Sunday tired and sore as hell. I ended up with somewhere around 12 hours of sleep, and still it didn't feel like enough. I woke up early yesterday morning, early for me, wide awake and full of energy. My battery ran out early, though..strange after the 12 hours of good sleep that I got, plus I remembered I had been tired all week. That's when I realized my iron might be low again. I found out a couple years ago that I am anemic, meaning iron-deficient, so my doctor put me on an iron supplement. My last blood work test a few weeks ago came back negative, I was taking vitamins and trying to eat better, so I figured I was on the right track. I found out for sure today it's the iron, so back on the pills I go.
Geez, I'd like to have one week to where I didn't have to take a pill for something. Is that too much to ask? :P I'd like to be normal for just one week. I'll even take one day. Work with me here!
So after playing nice at the doctor's this morning, I went and had some fun. I went and got all of my long hair cut off, a promise I'd kept to myself if in the event I got the new job. It's beautiful, and it feels great. I love it. I was so ready for a change, and so nervous I wouldn't like the end result (it's my hair, after all), but absolutely loved it when all was said and done. I said I'd do it, and went through with it. I just had a huge confidence boost the past week, especially the last few days. What else can I take on now? :)
After playing nice with the hair dressers, I went and treated my mom to lunch. Everything was super good, and I loved our waitress. She thought my fries with ranch dip was interesting. :P Poor girl had to work a double shift, and was hardly doing any business (Tuesdays are slow days, she explained). I was sure to leave her an awesome tip. :D It was my mom's first trip to Cheddar's, and I feel bad because she doesn't get to go out to eat as often as I do, so I thought I would treat her. :)
It's been a good day! I feel so much better right now: I'm back on the iron, which will help get me back on track, and I love my new look. Tonight will be spent playing catch-up, and torturing my friends, because they are foaming at the mouth (literally. some more than others *shoots a pointed glare in her direction* More like a death glare!) to see the picture of my hair.
I'm so evil, I can barely stand it. Time for the reveal! :D
The show's over, go home!
6:04p
What a week it's been so far. When I left my last post, I was approaching my very first weekend doing my new job. First weekend went well; I spent Friday morning getting some more practice in on the machine, and decided I was ready for the test. I passed, and got my operator's license. I am official! The rest of the weekend was spent learning my way around the warehouse, and training for the actual job. I had a pretty good trainer, and she was always close by if I had a question or needed help. Once I figure out how to keep up my production, I think I'm really going to like it. Our busy season is fixing to gear up..and things are about to get real interesting. I've never been through it yet..this will be my first one, and I have no idea what to expect.
My free time is about to go out the window. I love my free time! But making extra money is too good to pass up. :) I've seen the proof for myself; it really does pay off!
Now to experience it first hand.
I left work on Sunday tired and sore as hell. I ended up with somewhere around 12 hours of sleep, and still it didn't feel like enough. I woke up early yesterday morning, early for me, wide awake and full of energy. My battery ran out early, though..strange after the 12 hours of good sleep that I got, plus I remembered I had been tired all week. That's when I realized my iron might be low again. I found out a couple years ago that I am anemic, meaning iron-deficient, so my doctor put me on an iron supplement. My last blood work test a few weeks ago came back negative, I was taking vitamins and trying to eat better, so I figured I was on the right track. I found out for sure today it's the iron, so back on the pills I go.
Geez, I'd like to have one week to where I didn't have to take a pill for something. Is that too much to ask? :P I'd like to be normal for just one week. I'll even take one day. Work with me here!
So after playing nice at the doctor's this morning, I went and had some fun. I went and got all of my long hair cut off, a promise I'd kept to myself if in the event I got the new job. It's beautiful, and it feels great. I love it. I was so ready for a change, and so nervous I wouldn't like the end result (it's my hair, after all), but absolutely loved it when all was said and done. I said I'd do it, and went through with it. I just had a huge confidence boost the past week, especially the last few days. What else can I take on now? :)
After playing nice with the hair dressers, I went and treated my mom to lunch. Everything was super good, and I loved our waitress. She thought my fries with ranch dip was interesting. :P Poor girl had to work a double shift, and was hardly doing any business (Tuesdays are slow days, she explained). I was sure to leave her an awesome tip. :D It was my mom's first trip to Cheddar's, and I feel bad because she doesn't get to go out to eat as often as I do, so I thought I would treat her. :)
It's been a good day! I feel so much better right now: I'm back on the iron, which will help get me back on track, and I love my new look. Tonight will be spent playing catch-up, and torturing my friends, because they are foaming at the mouth (literally. some more than others *shoots a pointed glare in her direction* More like a death glare!) to see the picture of my hair.
I'm so evil, I can barely stand it. Time for the reveal! :D
The show's over, go home!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
One word: Wow.
Music: Lizzie Curious' Melodic Mix
7:16p
I have thought and thought about how to begin this (since last Wednesday to be exact, but put it on hold, thinking I'd be able to come back to it later that night, but plans change-for the better!-sometimes), but I figured this would be as good as any: I start weekend number two this weekend in my new job. That's right, my prayers were answered, and I am now a PE hauler for my department at the warehouse. This will be my first full weekend. I am excited..for the first time in six months, I am *excited* about going to work. Still nervous, though, as I am trying still to train my mind to not be so stressed out on Thursday nights, and get out of the 'unloader' mind frame. But I am still in shock....these past few weeks have been some of the most nerve-wracking, unpredictable, happy, shocking, scary, and exciting, probably in my entire life. I went through every emotion possible. I was literally facing my darkest hour. I didn't know where I was going to end up; unloading was very slowly finally taking its toll, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I was at the breaking point.
It was August 19th, and that date may stay with me for a very long time. That Sunday morning, I knocked out my goal for production, and was in such a great mood; I was going home early after a long, busy weekend, and had nothing but getting this job on my mind. I'd applied for a hauling position not a week before. But before I could leave, my manager pulled me aside and took out my latest production 'report card'. I hadn't made goal for the month, my scores were VERY low, and I already had four marks against me prior to that day, which meant I was now going to get written up, and when you're working at a warehouse and on production, that's pretty serious. My manager explained that HR would be writing me up, the one thing I'd been dreading, but always knew it might happen.
There went my day, and my outlook that just an hour before had seemed so possible. Like a dream that turns into a nightmare, only you can't wake up.
I slowly made my way home, in tears and watching my last shred of hope disappear. I didn't know what else to do. Surely I had to get this job, and if not, I had no real backup plan. There was no way I could stay any longer in the job I was doing and keep on the decline, job-wise and health-wise.
I panicked.
The night didn't get any better. I talked to two of my closest friends, James and Jessica throughout the night, while keeping a VERY close eye on my job site, staring at it, willing it to change and say I got the job. My only option left was to go down to work very early the next morning (on my day off), and talk to HR about my job options. James suggested I just call, but I just had this feeling, a gut feeling that I was supposed to actually drive down there and talk to them in person. I could see myself walking into the office, very clearly. My decision was made.
I lost Jessica somewhere during the early part of the night, she was very supportive and assuring, but I just could not get past what I'd learned earlier that day. I told her both her and James my concerns, and they tried so hard to convince me, to assure me that everything would be okay...all I can say is God bless the two of them, because I honestly don't know where I'd have ended up. I had nothing left at this point; I was on the verge of a complete emotional breakdown. I had no fight left, nothing. I was so tired, tired of the stress that was weighing me down for so long. I thought about taking off, just getting in my car and leaving, James even told me I was welcome to join him on his side of town, and I really did start to make the move. I had my clothes in my hand ready to throw them on and just leave. I wanted to talk to someone, I didn't want to be alone. I was so torn, so confused, so much on my mind, so tired, and everything hit at once. How could I still be crying when it felt I had no more tears left?
James tried to calm me down enough hoping that maybe I'd try to get some sleep (and yes, I really was staying up all night trying to fight the exhaustion). I asked him how was he so sure I'd get this job when I'd been shot down already twice before, and what was I supposed to do if I went down there tomorrow and didn't get the answer I was looking for. He was so confident, so positive, why couldn't I see it for myself?
I couldn't fight the exhaustion any longer, so with one last desperate prayer, I crawled into bed, hoping the darkness would swallow me up, and I could at least escape for a few hours. It was dreamless, but not restful. I had no idea that my life was going to change in just 7 short hours.
I dragged myself out of bed, and made my way down to DC, not sure what to feel. At this point, a train could have run me flat over, and I never would have felt it. I was ready for whatever answer I got at that point. I pulled in, and walked inside, putting my phone on vibrate as I did so. I could have sworn I heard it buzz the moment I tucked it away, but figured it was those annoying telemarketers. I'd deal with those bastards later.
I walked inside and talked to Nancy. When I asked about the job, she immediately asked me my name. We were all confused, them because I was there, and me because I was confused at their confusion. The other lady in the office, Lori, laughed a little, and the lightbulb clicked.
The phone call. The phone call was from them, asking me if I was still interested in the hauling position.
We all laughed, and Nancy immediately started the paperwork. I stood there absolutely stunned. Did I just hear that? Surely my mind is playing tricks on me after all it had been through the past 24 hours. I had the job...it was *mine*. Not someone else's down the street, or in another area. MINE. Right then, the weight that had been crushing me for so long, was gone. I could breathe again. I looked up to the sky, silently thanking God, while mentally thanking someone else as well. I signed my end of the paperwork, and thanked the two ladies over and over. I calmly walked out of the building, got in my car, and proceeded to freak out. I had to calm down because I had phone calls to make! Not to mention have some fun with people. I couldn't fool my dad, but I punk'd my mom into thinking I didn't have the job, before dropping the bomb on her. They were both so excited and so happy! But I wasn't done yet. I had one more person to tell before I announced the good news to the world.
I couldn't believe it! After what seemed like a long drive, I finally reached my last and most important destination. I had to have my fun with James, too, mostly because I'm evil like that, but afterwards, I broke down, this time completely happy, and shocked to the core that it really was happening. Finally, I could see things so much clearer, and brighter, and I spent a good half of the day lost in those thoughts. Plans were coming together, I could see my future laid out in front of me. What a difference 24 hours makes!
And I couldn't leave this out..James played a song for me that day. The name of the song is "Uncross These Lines" by DNS Project. And the lyrics..."There's no way around it now. There's nothing to crowd my mind"..how true, how absolutely *perfect* those lyrics are! I listen to the song now, and smile, and think of how far I've come and what I have been through. This is only the beginning! James and Jessica really did have the confidence in me that I didn't have in myself, and I have learned so much from them. Thanks, guys. :)
So, weekend number two? I am ready to get back in there tomorrow, and get my license so I can start learning the job. Let's get another weekend rolling....
I will be updating my progress throughout. While writing this, I went through the emotional rollercoaster once again, re-living moments, and crying tears of happiness, because this is what I have wanted for so long. So grateful, thankful, and now I have a lot to prove to myself above everyone else. For those that have stuck with me, I thank you. Here's to the next chapter...
7:16p
I have thought and thought about how to begin this (since last Wednesday to be exact, but put it on hold, thinking I'd be able to come back to it later that night, but plans change-for the better!-sometimes), but I figured this would be as good as any: I start weekend number two this weekend in my new job. That's right, my prayers were answered, and I am now a PE hauler for my department at the warehouse. This will be my first full weekend. I am excited..for the first time in six months, I am *excited* about going to work. Still nervous, though, as I am trying still to train my mind to not be so stressed out on Thursday nights, and get out of the 'unloader' mind frame. But I am still in shock....these past few weeks have been some of the most nerve-wracking, unpredictable, happy, shocking, scary, and exciting, probably in my entire life. I went through every emotion possible. I was literally facing my darkest hour. I didn't know where I was going to end up; unloading was very slowly finally taking its toll, physically, mentally, and emotionally, and I was at the breaking point.
It was August 19th, and that date may stay with me for a very long time. That Sunday morning, I knocked out my goal for production, and was in such a great mood; I was going home early after a long, busy weekend, and had nothing but getting this job on my mind. I'd applied for a hauling position not a week before. But before I could leave, my manager pulled me aside and took out my latest production 'report card'. I hadn't made goal for the month, my scores were VERY low, and I already had four marks against me prior to that day, which meant I was now going to get written up, and when you're working at a warehouse and on production, that's pretty serious. My manager explained that HR would be writing me up, the one thing I'd been dreading, but always knew it might happen.
There went my day, and my outlook that just an hour before had seemed so possible. Like a dream that turns into a nightmare, only you can't wake up.
I slowly made my way home, in tears and watching my last shred of hope disappear. I didn't know what else to do. Surely I had to get this job, and if not, I had no real backup plan. There was no way I could stay any longer in the job I was doing and keep on the decline, job-wise and health-wise.
I panicked.
The night didn't get any better. I talked to two of my closest friends, James and Jessica throughout the night, while keeping a VERY close eye on my job site, staring at it, willing it to change and say I got the job. My only option left was to go down to work very early the next morning (on my day off), and talk to HR about my job options. James suggested I just call, but I just had this feeling, a gut feeling that I was supposed to actually drive down there and talk to them in person. I could see myself walking into the office, very clearly. My decision was made.
I lost Jessica somewhere during the early part of the night, she was very supportive and assuring, but I just could not get past what I'd learned earlier that day. I told her both her and James my concerns, and they tried so hard to convince me, to assure me that everything would be okay...all I can say is God bless the two of them, because I honestly don't know where I'd have ended up. I had nothing left at this point; I was on the verge of a complete emotional breakdown. I had no fight left, nothing. I was so tired, tired of the stress that was weighing me down for so long. I thought about taking off, just getting in my car and leaving, James even told me I was welcome to join him on his side of town, and I really did start to make the move. I had my clothes in my hand ready to throw them on and just leave. I wanted to talk to someone, I didn't want to be alone. I was so torn, so confused, so much on my mind, so tired, and everything hit at once. How could I still be crying when it felt I had no more tears left?
James tried to calm me down enough hoping that maybe I'd try to get some sleep (and yes, I really was staying up all night trying to fight the exhaustion). I asked him how was he so sure I'd get this job when I'd been shot down already twice before, and what was I supposed to do if I went down there tomorrow and didn't get the answer I was looking for. He was so confident, so positive, why couldn't I see it for myself?
I couldn't fight the exhaustion any longer, so with one last desperate prayer, I crawled into bed, hoping the darkness would swallow me up, and I could at least escape for a few hours. It was dreamless, but not restful. I had no idea that my life was going to change in just 7 short hours.
I dragged myself out of bed, and made my way down to DC, not sure what to feel. At this point, a train could have run me flat over, and I never would have felt it. I was ready for whatever answer I got at that point. I pulled in, and walked inside, putting my phone on vibrate as I did so. I could have sworn I heard it buzz the moment I tucked it away, but figured it was those annoying telemarketers. I'd deal with those bastards later.
I walked inside and talked to Nancy. When I asked about the job, she immediately asked me my name. We were all confused, them because I was there, and me because I was confused at their confusion. The other lady in the office, Lori, laughed a little, and the lightbulb clicked.
The phone call. The phone call was from them, asking me if I was still interested in the hauling position.
We all laughed, and Nancy immediately started the paperwork. I stood there absolutely stunned. Did I just hear that? Surely my mind is playing tricks on me after all it had been through the past 24 hours. I had the job...it was *mine*. Not someone else's down the street, or in another area. MINE. Right then, the weight that had been crushing me for so long, was gone. I could breathe again. I looked up to the sky, silently thanking God, while mentally thanking someone else as well. I signed my end of the paperwork, and thanked the two ladies over and over. I calmly walked out of the building, got in my car, and proceeded to freak out. I had to calm down because I had phone calls to make! Not to mention have some fun with people. I couldn't fool my dad, but I punk'd my mom into thinking I didn't have the job, before dropping the bomb on her. They were both so excited and so happy! But I wasn't done yet. I had one more person to tell before I announced the good news to the world.
I couldn't believe it! After what seemed like a long drive, I finally reached my last and most important destination. I had to have my fun with James, too, mostly because I'm evil like that, but afterwards, I broke down, this time completely happy, and shocked to the core that it really was happening. Finally, I could see things so much clearer, and brighter, and I spent a good half of the day lost in those thoughts. Plans were coming together, I could see my future laid out in front of me. What a difference 24 hours makes!
And I couldn't leave this out..James played a song for me that day. The name of the song is "Uncross These Lines" by DNS Project. And the lyrics..."There's no way around it now. There's nothing to crowd my mind"..how true, how absolutely *perfect* those lyrics are! I listen to the song now, and smile, and think of how far I've come and what I have been through. This is only the beginning! James and Jessica really did have the confidence in me that I didn't have in myself, and I have learned so much from them. Thanks, guys. :)
So, weekend number two? I am ready to get back in there tomorrow, and get my license so I can start learning the job. Let's get another weekend rolling....
I will be updating my progress throughout. While writing this, I went through the emotional rollercoaster once again, re-living moments, and crying tears of happiness, because this is what I have wanted for so long. So grateful, thankful, and now I have a lot to prove to myself above everyone else. For those that have stuck with me, I thank you. Here's to the next chapter...
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