Well. How 'bout that.

Music: my YouTube trance playlist. I swear to God I have like 30 of them now.
12:14am


How to start...no one can ever remember how it starts. He was sitting in front of the computer, listening intently to me rambling off my plan to get a better job. No real feedback from the other side. Ugh. And you tell me how bad I am about the same thing. 12 hours later and I don't remember what I said. Something about machines. And hating the heat. I won't complain about winter ever again, I swear! It was just like old times, the random bullshit conversations, and just the feeling I felt. It was nice. Oh, and buy a fucking bed, dumbass. I spent a year of my life sleeping on the floor after the storm because I hated my bed and refused to sleep in it. I might have been a little on edge, too, who the hell knows. It seemed like the whole picture changed. He disappeared. How come you didn't say where you were going? Are you coming back? I freaked. I felt so alone, but I knew that I shouldn't. Surely I was stronger than that. I looked out front to the road, and I saw cars, lots of cars coming my direction. I knew who was in those cars: your family, your friends. I wasn't sure I fit into this picture anymore. I saw yours, finally; a light blue sedan pulling into the driveway, but who were all those people, and how come you weren't driving? 

I went downstairs, and everyone was dressed up. Funeral? Special occasion? Your house was so fancy, and so pretty..and clean. You came in the room after that, and I swear I'd never seen anything more beautiful. This guy..he knows how to clean up nice! I thought I was going to die right there. I had no idea he had it in him. Hmm. Looked like all designer clothes to me, but it really didn't matter. How could you all not hear how fast my heart was beating? And in front of your grandmother, who was across the room, giving me a meaningful look. I knew I was out of place, with my jeans and t-shirt while the rest of you looked so nice, but that's not why she was looking at me, the only thing i could do was look down, saddened by what I had come to realize by this point. I had to get away. I walked to the front door, as if to go outside. No, not safe there. I went upstairs, I'm not sure why you followed me. I dragged it out, slowly ascending the stairs, neither of us saying a word, I was trying so hard to keep myself together. I did it deliberately, maybe you'd realize, get it through your head what was happening. There were four flights of stairs, each one different and very unique. This area of the house I recognize. I turned on you then. Bet you weren't expecting that, were you? All the pent up emotions and anger, finally, finally, getting that weight off my shoulders, because why do you care about me, anyway? I was about to get it all out, let it all go, and maybe my heart would heal, maybe each tear I shed would be another piece of my heart finally healing itself, and only then would I really be able to let go...


That's when I woke up. 


I love my friends, I really do, but I know who the true ones are now, I know who has my back, and who doesn't. I know which ones would text/call ONLY when THEY need something, when it's convenient for THEM. The 'friends' that don't text me or call me anymore, if you have a problem with me, then come to ME, not someone else! That pisses me off more than anything. I have a 'friend' who I have an issue with myself, but I REFUSE to chase them down. Why? Said 'friend' knows where I live, knows my number, knows how to get in touch with me. When that happens, and they are the 'i'm only calling because it's to my benefit, because I need something' friend, they will get theirs. The time will come. I'm through playing games, and pretending like everything is okay. I'm not forgiving you this time. I hope that we can work out whatever issues there are, because I don't want to lose said friend, but if it happens, then that's life, and I'll always have the good memories to take with me. Forgiving might be one thing, forgetting is a totally different story. Because the heart doesn't forget. And I won't forget, either, you can bet on that. 

Rant over. I'm done.