Music: Britney Spears, "Someday",playing over and over in my head
Written mid-August. 7:50a
Ever been awakened by words or thoughts demanding that they be brought to the surface and be dealt with? I can't tell you how many times I just wanted to sit down and sort through all these emotions I've been dealing with these last few weeks. What a roller coaster it has been. So, I'm finally sitting down and talking about just how much has been going on in the last month. At least, for now, I can put this out somewhere, because I've had to keep such a low profile lately. And with good reason that I hope people will eventually come to understand, once I feel the time is right, and I'm ready to tell them. Here we go...
After the chaos and excitement of Jessica's wedding had calmed down, I left work Sunday night feeling something I hadn't felt in a while: total freedom. For the first time since February, I had no plans whatsoever. It felt like nothing was holding me down or back. Alright, finally I can do what I need to do and look into this damn apartment, get some finances in order, and just have four days to myself to rest and do whatever the hell I want.
God has a funny definition of the word 'rest.'
I was feeling not-so-normal. Not in a sick way, just now impatiently waiting for Mother Nature to make a late arrival, and take some stress off of me. I had other symptoms I'd never had before (nothing that needs to be discussed here). There was this weird gut feeling I had. Something was different, and needed to be looked at. John was concerned, and suggested I go take one of those home pregnancy tests, just for our peace of mind. Because surely this is just MN's way of saying 'yeah, I'm just torturing you a bit, you're really fine, but you look like you need a good scare.' After work that next Sunday, I drove out of my way to a Walmart and bought a test, scared out of my mind the entire time. The next morning, I waited for that long, happy negative strip, and hey, false alarm, MN was really just messing with me in a sick way....except I found two long lines staring back at me. I was too shocked to panic, but this voice inside kept screaming at me, do you know what you've just done?
I called my doctor immediately to get an appointment. Maybe the test was a fluke, like they sometimes turn out to be. John was nothing short of panicking, texting me every five minutes 'what did the doctor say? is he seeing you today??' They managed to get me in early the next morning. I took another test, after explaining to the doctor what had been going on. Upon coming back into the room, he asked what answer I was hoping for. Um, I'm hoping you tell me no? And all this stress will have been for nothing and we can all go back to living our miserable, boring lives. He showed me the card.
Holy fuck, my parents are going to kill me! Even though I"m 32! Then, after that, they're gonna kill John! but after the baby's born, of course.....
Pregnant.
I cried, a mix of excitement, shock and panic and disbelief. No way I could be pregnant, I never even thought, with all my other health problems that it would be possible. I never imagined myself as a mother. Not now, anyway. I know nothing about babies except they cry too much and are messy little goobers. Never thought that it would happen to me. We were always so careful, a little too careful, with only one other small scare that turned out to be nothing (and would have otherwise been an early Christmas present). I don't remember walking out of the office, where my mom was waiting for me. Well, we all die sometime. Except that she wasn't the one to worry about....She was in shock, too, but didn't say a whole lot. Calling my dad was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and looking back, his reaction could have been downright comical, but it really was serious (and scary). And this was just a month ago! After calming down, we talked briefly, well he panicked about me and I listened. I got back to the house and John called, desperate for the final word from the doctor. Again, the shocked silence that follows the news you weren't ready to hear. And that's just it: we weren't ready. John had just left a couple weeks before, after being out of work, and I still lived at home (and trying desperately to get out on my own, setback after setback). We needed to work this out, what were we going to do now?
Game on.
I knuckled down, got serious. Bought a few books from Amazon, and started reading up and learning. I gave Jessica all of the alcohol I'd had stored up, not because I'd be tempted-that was no problem at all-but because I didn't want it to go to waste. I went on a diet, an all-health kick. Don't think the house had ever seen so much healthy stuff before. I took all the vitamins, and really started getting in the mind set that in 8 short months, I'd have a daughter (or son, I really hoped for a daughter). After the initial shock wore off, I found an OG/GYN in the Medical Center, and set up my first appointment. I found a nurse through my job's benefits, and got acquainted with her. Meanwhile, John and I tried to set up a game plan for our future. It was really difficult and stressful. He is all the way in Alabama, how are we going to do this? We had more questions than answers, and that alone scared me. I did not want to be alone, and I felt more alone than ever, because it was still too early to tell anyone the news, and we wanted more information before we did so.
My very first appointment with the doctor wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. He was very nice. On my first ultrasound, he was unable to get a read. Concerned, he sent me down to the radiologist. They were able to find a heartbeat, and determined that I was about six weeks along. However, upon meeting back up with the doctor, he explained that the baby's heart rate was very low. Between what the baby measured and the measure of the uterus, it wasn't matching up. Meaning, the baby wasn't as far along as my uterus showed it should be. He went on to explain that miscarriages aren't uncommon for someone my age. Although he didn't want to scare me or worry me, he also was trying to prepare me for the worst. He asked that I take it easy, keep doing what I've been doing, and come back in a week for a follow up. Things could still turn around, but I now had a very bad feeling....
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