"Blue"

Music: Two Steps From Hell
9:45a

I didn't get the chance to tell him goodbye. To hug him one last time. Tell him how much I was going to miss him. I wanted to look into his eyes once more, and see what I hoped would be sadness, as he didn't want to leave my side. The words "I don't want to break your heart" are understandable, but still sting nonetheless. I miss you already. I didn't feel the ache when you were around. I felt cared for and appreciated, the way it should have been before. I never got to tell him goodbye....

Coming off such an incredible weekend, Monday has met me with more bad news than I can stand. I'm an emotional wreck. Why is it that I keep falling so many steps back, when it feels like I've just caught up? I get my hopes up, only to be shot down and pushed back. I can't find the happiness I've been after for so long...

Why do I get the bad news as soon as I wake up on Monday mornings? Someone I really would like to get to know more has now gone back 'home' and I don't know when we'll see each other again. I didn't even get to tell him goodbye. He was just too far behind schedule (but I know that seeing me as well as his family made up for his bad weekend). The other, just-as-important person has left, too, and this will be a very long weekend. I want to confront him, too, ask every question that has been on my mind these past couple of months. I'm probably the last person in the world he wants to see, and the most annoying, but I just need that reassurance that it's probably just all in my mind. I care, too, but sometimes I don't feel that notion is returned. As much as I just want to run everyone over, I'm also letting emotions of another worry spill over into this one.

I'm still waiting to hear about what my future holds. And funny how today is 10 months since I started the hauling job. I just don't know. I didn't tell anyone about what my plans were, but maybe I should have. I'd know I  have people on my side telling me and re-assuring me that everything would go well. How much confidence (I'm beginning to LOATHE that word) they have that I'd get the news I've so longed to hear. I'm frustrated, unsure, confident, worried, hopeful, and everything else wrapped into one. Please God let that phone ring. 

I'm keeping up with the medical end of things, but things keep popping up, deterring me. I'm about to be set back another few hundred dollars with yet another issue that popped up today, but it's just a speed bump. Next month, I'll have the surgery done. Not like we'll be getting any overtime at work, so you can just forget that right now. Getting your hopes up gets you nowhere, like me. Two years (give or take), and I'll finally have what I want. This is only the beginning...

I just really want things in the present to get better. That phone needs to ring first.