Around and around we go...

Music: "Stay" - Rihanna
12:46a

'He didn't offer any explanation, and what he did offer was very vague. He complained about not having any work to do. What, 60 not enough for you? He gave me the number 20, not enough in his book. He told me he was leaving, taking off, without saying where he was going. I won't be back until Sunday, he said, and I wasn't sure he was even talking to me anymore. With that, he was gone, no further explanation. I cried. I screamed like it was the worst scenario in the world. I wanted to go after him, but someone was holding my arms, holding me back. I couldn't see anything past the tears....'

My heart hurts. Silly as that sounds, my heart hurts. Last week, one of my friends basically said some hurtful things to myself and my other girlfriend, just because the two of us were sick, and therefore, unable to meet up during her vacation. Instead of being my usual hot-headed-over-reacting self, I played the mature road, telling her to basically grow up and get over it. People get sick, and plans get cancelled, shit happens. It sounded like there was more to the story than what she was letting on, making me think that there were other factors involved than just three friends being unable to meet up. I basically told her to not drag the two of us in whatever was going on in her life, to not sink down to another friend's level, who shall remain nameless (oh, what the Hell...Alaina). I haven't heard from her since. I figure she'll get over it eventually, and she'll know where to find me. I've been there for her when she's needed me, I've proven I'm trustworthy, and for what? I have no time for people (adults) to act like children who don't get their way. I told her just that, that I won't deal with it. She'll come around...hopefully. 

Another of my friends is being too quiet for his own good, which is not totally out of character, but strange just the same. It's not like him, and maybe that dream was trying to tell me something, because this happened last week. Then he does something to totally piss me off, and just when I'm ready to write him off and say 'I won't do this anymore,' not to mention give him the bitching out  he knows is coming one day, God decides to toy with me (He's not letting me get away easy), and bam, he's right in front of me. 'Come to the dark side, I have cookies!' I've learned ignorance doesn't work, because it's hard to ignore him. He doesn't let you. I get pulled back in, until the next time. It's a never ending cycle. I just wonder why the silence. 

I've been sick these past few weeks, and you can't really have a life when you're weighted down with illness left and right. I am FINALLY feeling better, although I haven't heard my natural voice in about two weeks. Now back to your regularly scheduled program.....I am unsure what is going on in my friends' lives, and naturally, (I'm a stupid Libra), I want to find out/help, etc. Why the silence? Why the anger? I'm not in any way taking any of this personally, I just miss my friends, and their behavior is so not like them. People I call my best friends, and I'm not even sure they return the favor anymore. One is too angry to care right now, and I'm not sure the other has ever cared. It's a shame, too, to be like that. Life is too short, and let me tell you something, if you have someone in your life who loves you and makes you feel appreciated, DON'T TAKE THAT FOR GRANTED. I am that person, and it's people like me that get shoved under the rug. Something happens to me, guess what, you're both FUCKED. I understand, people go through things, that's life. You get involved in things/projects, that's life. But don't let the people who care about you just slip away. Maybe someone reading this will realize just how important your friends/family really are. Maybe my friends will come around, and things will go back to normal. Or, they'll just let whatever issue is bugging them eat them alive, and when they need help, help won't be there. Just throwing that out there. If you are in my life, you're there for a reason, don't fuck it up. 

I'm getting this off my chest, I don't care who reads it, and I am not afraid of the consequences. I am too old to care, and tired of getting run over and pushed aside. So I'll continue on with my life, until my friends come around. 

Until then, my heart hurts.