When does it end..

Music: Above and Beyond, "Group Therapy" album
3p

It's been another of those up and down weeks. I've gotten a lot accomplished, except the one goal that keeps just out of my reach. I don't understand...what I've done, or what is going on on the other side. So I continue to sit, impatiently, waiting for the time to come. I'm losing it quickly, though. I still haven't heard from my two friends, and their behavior is catching the attention of my other friends, as well, and I've been questioned about it. I can't figure it out, and doubt I ever will. If they want to spout this crap about how 'yeah, we're close friends', then decide to cut me out of their life like years of friendship didn't matter, then that's their problem. I am angry, bitter, frustrated, confused, and saddened. But it looks to me like they have made their decision. 

The weather here was beautiful yesterday. I went to Newport (crossing 2100 during rush hour is NOT fun when you're on foot). I went across to the duck pond there at the subdivision's entrance. I sat for a long time and reflected, and prayed. Whatever is going on, please help them to resolve it. I want them back in my life, I wasn't the one who caused them to distance themselves from me. But I still feel like, "what did I do?". I still have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for, especially in the one friend's case, the one who bitched me out for being sick and unable to hang out one day. I asked God to lift them both up, the two people I care about the most. I asked for something to take the hurt away. I want to speak to them, just once would they just call or message me. I'm not being the first one to initiate it, when I wasn't the one responsible for what has happened. I wish friend #1 would grow up and take responsibility for her actions. As for friend #2, I'm not sure. He refuses to speak to myself or any of my friends. 

I finally decided to go on home, while trying not to end up as a smear across a Suburban's grill. When I got home, I posted the lone picture I took of the pond to my facebook. Out of the blue, my old friend Jessica messaged me. We talked for about 30 minutes, about our living situations and money. It was so good to hear from her. She is excited about my getting my own place. After talking to her, my friend John messaged me during dinner, and made me smile for the first time since that morning. I know he has been busy, but that simple 'hi' really made my day. Later that night, I talked to my other friend Jessica, and my old friend Jonathan messaged me, talking about his new Tablet he got. I realized later that God was trying to show me there are still those out there who care, and won't act like little spoiled children. It managed to take my mind off of things, but only for a bit. So when does it end? When do they come to their senses and realize, I never left? I'm only waiting, but I am not sure how long my patience will hold out, and the day they realize, it just might be too late. I'm not waiting forever! I love them both, but it works both ways, and pretty soon I won't have a reason to love them anymore. 

You can't love someone who doesn't love you back.

I instead am focusing on getting everything together to begin looking for an apartment. I have already completed the first step; this ball is officially rolling! :D I am so excited, but I know the hard work that is ahead. Next step is to go and actually look at the places I have compiled and talk to people. Get figures, look at places, figure out a good location. And since I seem to no longer have my guide to help me, I'll just have to rely on other things, and hope I don't end up in some ghetto/trashy neighborhood. If you're excited for me, great, if not, then don't let the door hit you on the way out. This will be my main focus for the next few weeks, except, I plan on making time for the people that matter, and when those two friends decide they want to let me back in, it will be a tough decision.

It's a double-edged sword. Until then, life for me is great, and I'm going to share it with those I love, whether they want to hear it or not, and leave the other stuff behind me. :)